MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Dear Mindie,

With the start of 2023, I’m looking to make some personal changes. I really hate my inability to be outgoing. I think it really holds me back from moving up at work and is standing in the way of me having a more successful dating life. I get nervous when I’m in large crowds and find myself feeling anxious when I am going to be with new people or before a party. I just want to change this characteristic and don’t know where to start. I’m holding myself back and feel hopeless. It’s something I have dealt with for many years. Any advice you can share would be great. 

Sincerely, Scared Stiff

Dear Scared Stiff, 

It sounds like you could potentially have a social anxiety disorder, which is when you feel nervous in many social situations, like the ones you’re describing. It’s more than the traditional butterflies one typically feels when giving a presentation or going on a date. It’s also known as social phobia and involves feeling unsettled during more everyday interactions, such as the examples you provided. Most people who suffer from this feel self-conscious that they may be scrutinized or judged negatively by others. To know for sure, you really need to see a mental health professional, who can give you a proper screening and determine if you meet the criteria. There are ways to change this personality disorder and create new behavioral patterns and alter your way of thinking so that you face this situation with more positivity and less fear. First, you need to know if that’s the case.

In the meantime, my DIY advice to you is to start creating a journal and take it out when such situations present, these uneasy emotions present. I’d write down the feelings you are having and the evidence for and against the thoughts and feelings. What proof do you have to back up the anxiety of self-doubt you are experiencing? And alternatively, what proof do you have to knock down those negative notions?

Another great way to feel more at ease before you go to parties or larger gatherings, is to partake in some breathing exercises before-hand so that you go into the environment feeling more relaxed. It may also help to use some visualization and see yourself in the room, easily conversing with guests and introducing yourself to new people and smiling. Imagining yourself in the crowd and having a good time will also help combat some of the negative feelings you have been experiencing.

Lastly, I recommend taking small steps and challenging yourself. For example, you may opt to skip the self-checkout line and instead head over to a cashier at the grocery store, so that you can converse with the store clerk. Another great way to get out of your comfort zone in a small way is to compliment a co-worker on their outfit and then initiate a conversation. These little tweaks to your routine will lead to larger ones and eventually you’ll retrain your brain to send more realistic and positive thoughts about your ability to converse with ease, receive acceptance and ultimately fit in.

I wish you the best of luck! It’s not easy to revamp old patterns we’ve likely maintained since childhood, but it can be done. A little hard work, determination and you may soon be drafting me a new advice letter on how to turn down invitations; your mailbox is so inundated with new friends.

Love,

Mindie