MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Dear Mindie,

I recently had a very uncomfortable and disturbing encounter while out with my friend’s friend for drinks. They are both Black, and I am White, which is essential to note. As the conversation flowed, somehow, we got onto the topic of race. My friend’s friend shared that she attended a boarding school as a teen and hated every minute. When I asked why she did not like her experience there, she said she felt she did not fit in as her classmates were all White. She then told me she disliked all White people.

Sincerely,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated, 

While this situation is tense, upsetting, and teeters on abusive, I am confident it’s like thousands of similar conversations—on both sides of the aisle—taking place in America today. We have the racial climate to thank for that, and while it’s always important to speak one’s mind and have these tough conversations, the past hostility (again, from both sides) has created an unfortunate rift in our country.

In psychology, we always try to see circumstances and situations from the patient’s perspective to best serve and treat them. I suggest you do the same in this case. While she’s not your “patient,” you can try and see things from her lens. She went to an all-white boarding school, where she must have experienced much negativity and likely trauma from how her peers may have treated her. While what she said to you is inexcusable, she is likely speaking from a place of pain and suffering. Whatever happened in her past harmed her, and this is sadly how she is stereotyping all White people as a result. So, instead of being angry, and I understand why you are, I would look at the situation from a place of curiosity. What made her say that? What happened in her past? What anecdotes might she be willing to share with you as a Black woman to a White woman from her past experiences? You are not the root of her problem nor responsible for any turmoil she may have encountered, but we can all learn from one another.

Learning about what may have caused her pain may be enlightening for you. And her sharing that pain with a White person may be healing for her. I advise you to offer your daughter some insight regarding what is appropriate to convey over a text versus an in-person conversation.

Race is and always will be a touchy subject matter. But we must speak about it. We must acknowledge we are all different. There are no shades of gray. It’s Black and White (and Brown), which is beautiful.

Differences make us stronger. They enable us to grow and evolve, as well. So, I suggest the next time you see this woman be curious, not confrontational. Learn from her, and hopefully, she will also be open to learning from you. And pay your curiosity forward. If we were more open to learning and listening, there would be less fighting and friction.

Love,
Mindie