MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
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Dear Mindie,

I have been feeling very lost in my marriage. My husband seems to be very distant, and the more I try to reach out and attempt to connect, the more he seems to pull away. He feels that I am nagging him. I know that is probably the case, but I am overwhelmed and frustrated with his empty promises about what he says he will do to help around the house and with the kids. I work full-time, too, but most household responsibilities seem to fall on my shoulders, and I am sick of it! I don’t want to end my marriage. I love my husband, but I am really at a loss. Please help!

Sincerely,
At A Loss

Dear At A Loss,  

That is a lot to deal with! I hear you loud and clear. When a partner isn’t living up to their end of the bargain, it can be hurtful and infuriating. I imagine it’s even more upsetting that he is saying he will help you and then is maintaining the same patterns. I am curious about how you are communicating your frustrations to your husband.

Many times, it’s not what we are saying but how we are saying it that can be a trigger to those around us. While you may be angry by his lack of household involvement (which is understandable!), expressing your feelings by criticizing and focusing on his role in the situation rather than how it makes you feel may inadvertently spark his withdrawal. When his promises are not followed through, that likely makes you feel hurt, and expressing how you’re feeling because of his actions rather than solely homing in on his actions will likely yield a better communication forum. Otherwise, it’s a push-pull conundrum that often ends up with less than favorable results.

This may seem easier said than done, especially in the heat of the moment. It may make the most sense to allow yourself the time to calm down so that you can speak with clarity and from a place of concern and authenticity in connection with your emotional pain and upset rather than from a place of anger and blame. 

Doing so will enable your husband to see the situation more clearly from your perspective, without feeling threatened by confrontation, and he will realize his role in the maladaptive communication pattern and likely relent from his behavior of withdrawing.

This is a common communication web we call the demand-withdraw pattern. Demanders are known as the criticizers, often the females in a relationship, who are frustrated and eager to see some behavioral change in their partners. The withdrawing partner retaliates with avoidance and becomes defensive. The male persona and results typically lead this role in their lack of commitment to the relationship and desire to maintain the status quo.

The good news is that your issue is not uncommon among married couples and is fixable. The unwelcome news is that it isn’t always an easy fix. It requires some deep work and patience from both sides. My advice is to take the lead and try to speak to your husband from a place of calm concern and vulnerability so that he’s less likely to feel threatened and maintain his desire to withdraw as a defense mechanism.  

He, too, must speak openly and nonconfrontationally and own up to his responsibilities and promises. I would recommend taking these steps and seeking the help of a marriage family therapist or professional clinical counselor if you’re not making headway on your own. It’s always beneficial to have a professional psychotherapist involved to serve as a strong advocate for maintaining the integrity of the relationship, even when you’re not in conflict. They can help you navigate tricky conversations and ensure both perspectives are articulated in a beneficial and productive way.  

Best of luck in War and Peace!

Love,
Mindie