MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com

Dear Mindie,

My boyfriend of over a year and I have a wonderful relationship. We get along great, want the same things in life, and have the best time with each other. I consider him my best friend and someone I would like to grow old with, but there is one glitch in our relationship. He has not told his family about me.

Both he and I are divorced and have children from previous marriages; I have been divorced longer. I am also his first meaningful relationship since his divorce, so I have been understanding in assuming his need to ease into sharing our status publicly. But now I am feeling hurt and confused. It’s been over a year, and I’ve not met his kids and parents. I am so torn. I don’t know what to do. Please help!  

Sincerely,
The Secret

Dear The Secre , 

It sounds like you are in a very painful situation. On the one hand, you are happy and content with the romantic aspects of your relationship. On the other hand, you have many unmet needs (important needs!). I am unsure how often you’ve tried to talk to your partner calmly about how he’s not sharing this part of his life is upsetting you, but I strongly advise that you do if you haven’t already. When we feel emotional, angry, and hurt, we often do not deliver our messages as we mean to or should, instead we lead with feelings and emotionality. But addressing an issue such as this in that mindset will only make matters worse and lead you and your partner into a heated debate or even worse.

I strongly advise that if you don’t think you are able (nor believe he is as well) to speak to one another without getting too caught up in the emotionality of it all, you consider couples counseling. I also want to clarify that couples therapy is not a sign of trouble. Many couples feel that if they need treatment, then their relationship is headed south. It’s just the opposite.

Many couples need a little fine-tuning and coaching from an outside, unbiased professional to help them navigate turbulent times. In addition, many couples not in trial often seek the help of a couple’s therapist to hash out minor hiccups that arise in everyday life before they escalate into something significant.

Suppose that notion makes you uneasy, and you don’t think you can communicate effectively and productively with your partner over this sensitive issue. In that case, you need to dig deep within yourself, accept him and the relationship for what it is, and be okay with that. Hopefully, your partner will feel comfortable sharing more with his family in time. If you can’t do that (and I wouldn’t blame you), I advise you to part ways and for good, or at least until the day arises when he can be open about your connection. If this issue is meaningful, then you should be true to yourself. If it is something you can live with, accept it. and don’t try to change his position with a request. He needs to share your status when he is comfortable or has a more robust understanding of why this is so meaningful to you and, in turn, feel the same way. Either way, you must be true to yourselves and honor your relationship.

I wish you the best of luck

Love,
Mindie xo