MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
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Dear Mindie,

I have an issue planning my son’s bar mitzvah with my ex-husband. We get along for the most part, but his mother, my ex-mother-in-law, is still a thorn in my side, causing a log of drama as we begin the party-planning process. She has always been controlling and caused a lot of turmoil when we were married, as she never respected my boundaries. In addition, my ex never stood up to her, so I was left to have difficult conversations with her.

We’ve been divorced for several years, but when events about our children arise, I find myself back in the same boat, handling his mother. She continues to come to me when she wants to do something with the kids or be involved with things about the kids, and I don’t always prefer her help. Now that we are preparing for the first big event post-divorce, she’s coming at me in full force, and I am feeling my anxiety rise as a result. I don’t know how to make it through the next six months of planning. Please help me!

Sincerely,
Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,

I hear you! That is a tough spot, but the good news is you can release yourself immediately! While your ex-mother-in-law will always be a part of your life as she is the grandmother of your children, she doesn’t have to be in your life if you don’t want her to be. She is an ex, too, and while I recommend always maintaining respect and empathy for her for the sake of your kids, you do not owe her any direct day-to-day contact with you or to impose on your life and cause you angst. That access ended the day you received your divorce decree. You can certainly have a relationship with her should you choose to, but I would advise pulling back on the ropes tightly for now, as it sounds like she doesn’t know how to do things mildly.

I would talk with your ex-husband and share that you are planning your son’s bar mitzvah with him, not his mother. I would share that if he wants her involved in his part of the planning, that is fine, but he should be her point of contact, talk with her, and then meet with you to plan things alone.

Perhaps she can be assigned one of your ex-husband’s tasks; the main point is that your ex-husband should be her contact, and you should be left out of it. As far as you are concerned, you should see her as a special guest at the party.s 

If she reaches out to you, I would redirect her to your ex-husband and tell her to communicate with him. If she does not respect your wishes, I would simply ignore her outreach regarding the party planning, and in time, she will give up.

You are not obligated to be her liaison in the nuclear family you once maintained with your ex. You should not feel anxiety over this woman, and your ex-husband should have the responsibility to handle his own mother. My guess is that he’s happy you have remained in that role, even though the two of you are now divorced. If she’s as overbearing as you allude to, I would imagine he, too, does not want to be bothered with her requests.

But she is his family and his responsibility. The only anxiety you should feel should be over what party theme or cake flavor to pick. Happy party planning. You can now change your name to “Party Pizzazz.

Love,
Mindie xo