MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com

Dear Mindie,

As we just wrapped up Mother’s Day and are now headed into the Father’s Day holiday weekend, I can’t help but feel a little saddened. My relationship with my brother, my only sibling, is strained at best, and as our parents continue to age, I can’t help but feel concerned about what the future may look like when they are no longer here. While I have children, I am single, and my brother is my only real adult family outside my parents. I have a few close cousins, but we don’t see each other often and rarely spend holidays together.

I have tried talking with my brother, expressing my desire to become closer and my sadness because we are not. He doesn’t view our relationship as distant and always seems preoccupied with his immediate family (wife and children) and all the siblings he acquired from his wife’s large family. I can’t force someone to want a meaningful relationship with me, but I desperately wish I had a loving brother I could call and count on! What to do? Is this relationship a lost cause? Any insight you can share would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Sad

Dear Sad,

That is a tricky situation! I hear you saying that you are saddened by your distant relationship with your brother, which is exacerbated by the fact that your parents are aging, and you are also single. It sounds like your brother doesn’t share the same vision and has an entirely different perspective of what your relationship is and should be. That may change in time, especially when your parents are no longer living, and you are his only blood relative left. But you can’t count on that, and my advice to you would be to look beyond your family circle and start to develop familial relationships with those you “choose.”

Friends can and do fill in so many gaps for those who do not have close-knit relationships with family members.

In some cases, friends who are more like family can be healthier for us, as well, especially with family connections that are associated with childhood trauma or other negative aspects of our lives, which can be triggered when we are with them.

I recommend you start creating new traditions with a few good core friends, allow yourself to be vulnerable with them, and focus on those relationships instead of ruminating about your strained relationship with your brother. You should not abandon your brother nor give up on the hope that that relationship can change, but I would like you to prepare for the future with some safeguards in place. Until your brother can show you that he is equally invested in your relationship, you cannot count on him to support you in the future. Therefore, leaning into your friends for such support will provide you with a solid foundation now, and if your brother comes around and shows up for you, you will have an added layer of connectivity.

Enjoy your parents now, as well. It is best that we remain present, focusing on the here and now and not dwelling too much on the future. Tomorrow is never promised to any of us, and thinking too far ahead will only diminish the stockpile of happy memories you can acquire with them.

I wish you the best of luck and know you’re not alone.

Love,
Mindie xo