MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
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Dear Mindie,

My best friend recently told me that she was bisexual. She said she was afraid to tell me, so I was the last of our group to find out about this new revelation. I feel really hurt and concerned about why she thought I would not be understanding. I hope this new dynamic does not change our friendship but at the same time I am unsure how I feel about her given how she handled telling me about her change in identity. I want to talk to her about it but worry she may misinterpret things and label me as homophobic or not a supportive friend. Please help me figure this out.

Sincerely,
Left Out

Dear Left Out ,

Coming out is the most cumbersome, sensitive and anxiety-driven life experience one can go through. It’s hard to say what was going on in your friend’s mind as she contemplated sharing her news. It’s a fine dance with much at stake as one considers sharing with one’s family and friends a new discovery about themselves.

Many remain in the closet for months or years (sometimes forever) because of fear of acceptance, oppression and career dynamics, among a host of other reasons. It’s a difficult suggestion but I would try and think of how she must have been feeling when contemplating who to tell and when.

I do not know much about your friendship nor much about your personality but based on your narrative, I would assume that she was not sharing the information with you, initially, due to anything pertaining to you. You seem like a very compassionate, empathetic and caring friend and my hypothesis is that she simply needed to share information with friends on her own timeline. Maybe she was in a more comfortable environment or setting at the time she disclosed to your other friends she is bisexual?  

There is only one way you can truly find out. You must talk to her.

Every friendship needs a foundation of honesty and trust and if you’re feeling hurt or slighted, you can express that without being accusatory. 

Sharing your feelings with a sense of concern and from a place of compassion for her is commendable and likely an act she will value and appreciate. There is only one way you can truly find out. You must talk to her. Every friendship needs a foundation of honesty and trust and if you’re feeling hurt or slighted, you can express that without being accusatory. Sharing your feelings with a sense of concern and from a place of compassion for her is commendable and likely an act she will value and appreciate.

From my perspective, I believe your discomfort with your friendship lies with the trust the two of you share and your need to feel more secure about that. That will only come from an open and honest conversation. I believe you’re mistakenly blending her identity revelation with your hurt feelings as they pertain to your friendship. Coming out is unique to everyone. Those who are brave enough to share their truth need to be surrounded by all the love and support that can get. It sounds to me like your friend is already the beneficiary of much love and support via your concern and desire for an honest relationship. You seem like a wonderful friend!

Much love and light,

Love,
Mindie xo