MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com

Dear Mindie,

I’m completely distraught. My son is getting married in 2025 to a wonderful woman. I am incredibly happy about their upcoming wedding, but it’s also creating a lot of friction between me and my family. Even though I come from a large family, my son and his fiancé chose a venue that can only hold 150 people. Therefore, many will not be invited, and the situation is causing a lot of upset.

We decided only to invite immediate family members and cousins who are of my generation and many cousins of my son’s generation; guests of my mother’s generation are not included, as a result. The cousins are causing a lot of turmoil, and my mother’s behavior is horrendous. She has caused such stress and aggravation that there are no words to express the anger I am feeling. My son has shared that he will not come to Thanksgiving if she is going to be present because of the wedding arguments.

Please help me!
Wedding Bells

Dear Wedding Bells,

It sounds like you are going through a lot! Wedding planning can bring out the best and worst in people as emotions are strong and stress levels abnormally high. It sounds like your mother is the brunt of your problems, however. From what you described, there are other obstacles, like your cousins. Not everyone will understand your son and finance’s choice to have a smaller wedding. That is okay.

They do not need their permission or approval. You need to adhere to the authentic narrative that the venue only holds a certain number of people. Therefore, you were forced only to invite certain generations of family members. There is nothing more to say or do on that front. They may not understand the circumstances but must accept them and move on from this issue.

Your mother, on the other hand, is creating a more significant issue. From what you are sharing, it seems as though she does not respect your boundaries or your son’s.

As a result, you must exercise your muscles to maintain them. First, I would try to express your upset calmly and collectedly, even if she is not responding with the same even-keeled tone.

Rather than pointing fingers in her direction, I would explain (just as you will with your cousins) the venue’s limitations concerning capacity and that this is your son’s wedding, not yours or hers. She must respect the couple’s wishes, support them, and be a loving guest at their celebration. If she is unwilling to abide, then you can tell her to stay home, as well as remove her from events (like Thanksgiving and holiday gatherings) until she is respectful and not causing an uproar.

I know that the last part seems harsh, but just like children need to have consequences to achieve a desired behavior modification, adults do, too. I don’t think cutting her off financially or turning your back on her entirely is a fair or realistic option, so removing her from family events until her behavior is acceptable is your best bet. Either way, she needs consequences.

Best of luck, and I hope things start becoming more exciting than stressful sooner rather than later.

Love,
Mindie xo