MINDIE’S MUSINGS

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual wellness therapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett wellness coaching practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com

Dear Mindie,

With the start of 2025, I want to make some personal changes. I hate my inability to be outgoing. It holds me back from moving up at work and is standing in the way of having a more successful dating life. I get nervous in large crowds and anxious with new people or before a party. I want to change this characteristic but don’t know where to start. I’m holding myself back and feeling hopeless. It’s something I have dealt with for many years. Any advice you can share would be great.

Sincerely
Scared

Dear Scared,

It sounds like you could potentially have a social anxiety disorder, which is when you feel nervous in many social situations like those you’re describing. It’s more than the traditional butterflies one typically feels when giving a presentation or going on a date. It’s also known as social phobia and involves feeling unsettled during more everyday interactions, such as the examples you provided.

Most people who suffer from this feel self-conscious that they may be scrutinized or judged negatively by others. To know for sure, you need to see a mental health professional who can give you a proper screening and determine if you meet the criteria. There are ways to change this personality disorder, create new behavioral patterns, and alter your thinking to face this situation more positively and with less fear. First, you need to know if that’s the case.

In the meantime, my DIY advice is to start creating a journal and taking it out when such situations, these uneasy emotions, are present. I’d write down your feelings and the evidence for and against the thoughts and feelings. What proof do you have to back up the anxiety of self-doubt you are experiencing?

Another great way to feel more at ease before you go to parties or larger gatherings is to take part in some breathing exercises beforehand so that you go into the environment feeling more relaxed.

It may also help to use some visualization and see yourself in the room, easily conversing with guests, introducing yourself to new people, and smiling. 

Imagining yourself in the crowd and having a good time will also help combat some of the negative feelings you have been experiencing.

Lastly, take small steps and challenge yourself. For example, you may skip the self-checkout line and instead head over to a cashier at the grocery store so you can converse with the store clerk. Another great way to get out of your comfort zone in a small way is to compliment a co-worker on their outfit and initiate a conversation. These little tweaks to your routine will lead to larger ones. Eventually, you’ll retrain your brain to send more realistic and positive thoughts about your ability to converse, receive acceptance, and ultimately fit in easily.

I wish you the best of luck! Revamping patterns we’ve likely maintained since childhood isn’t easy, but it can be done. With a little hard work and determination, you may soon be drafting me a new advice letter on how to turn down invitations; your mailbox is inundated with new friends.

Love,
Mindie xo