AFFAIRS OF THE URBAN HEART
A Expert’s Perspective On Love In NYC
February is the month to find and be loved. But the roadway to deep, love can be a cumbersome one and often include bumps, potholes, sometimes even pitfalls. New York psychologist Dr. Nicole Andreoli specializes in relationship concerns and often works with couples to create or repair interpersonal bonds so that they can maintain the most healthful love life possible. We asked her to break down the most common stages in coupledom.
FINDING LOVE
How can someone maintain a balance between their career ambitions and a desire for a serious, fulfilling relationship in a city that never sleeps?
Balancing career ambitions and a fulfilling relationship in a bustling city like New York can be challenging, but it’s achievable with some strategies.
First and foremost, it’s important to identify and set clear priorities around what matters most to you in both your career and relationship. From there, it is important to be intentional with how you spend your time, ensuring that your behaviors and choices align with your goals and priorities. Once your priorities are identified, clear and honest communication about your intentions and boundaries is important.
Time management is an important, yet often overlooked aspect of maintaining boundaries. Be purposeful with how you allocate your time, scheduling dedicated time for both your career and your relationship. This may involve setting boundaries at work to prioritize personal time. With dating, focus on the quality of the time you spend together rather than just the quantity.
Is there a unique dating dynamic in NYC among people from different cultural backgrounds?
Dating in NYC with people from different cultural backgrounds is such a unique experience, thanks to the city’s diversity and vibrancy. Intercultural relationships are common and can be enriching, but they often require navigating differences in communication styles, traditions, or family expectations. The city’s hustle-culture also influences dating, as many prioritize careers over relationships, which might not always align with cultural norms around marriage or starting a family. Misunderstandings can pop up too, especially around things such as how affection is expressed or differing views on gender roles, but these can be addressed with open communication.
STAYING IN LOVE
What are some of the most common reasons couples begin to drift apart?
Dr John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and relationship expert. I’ve always found his research on relationships to be incredibly insightful. His work shows that relationships don’t fail because of one big event, but rather due to a series of small, accumulated factors that slowly erode emotional connection and trust. Couples who fail to address these issues over time may find themselves growing apart. Some of the biggest contributors based on his research include lack of emotional connection. Over time, couples can become emotionally distant if they stop sharing their feelings, thoughts, and experiences with each other. This lack of emotional intimacy can lead to a feeling of disconnection, where partners no longer feel understood or valued.
How can couples keep romance alive?
To help keep romance alive in long-term relationships, I recommend the following seven tips (based on Gottman’s research):
❦Maintain a Love Map Continuously update your understanding of your partner’s inner world—know their hopes, dreams, fears, and daily experiences. Regularly ask questions and show genuine curiosity about their life.
❦Turn Toward Each Other Pay attention to “bids for connection,” which are small moments where your partner seeks your attention, affection, or support. Respond to these bids consistently to foster emotional closeness.
❦Keep the Spark Alive This could mean trying new activities together, surprising each other with small gestures, or rekindling physical intimacy.
How does maintaining individual passions and goals contribute to a stronger, more connected relationship?
In relationships, partners play a key role in supporting each other’s growth by encouraging new experiences, sharing knowledge, and creating opportunities for development.
When we focus on expanding who we are, it not only gives us a deeper sense of personal fulfillment but can also strengthen our connection with our partner. One of the best ways to do this is by maintaining individual passions and goals. Pursuing the things that light you up enriches your life and brings fresh energy, ideas, and excitement into the relationship. It keeps things dynamic and engaging.
Love, especially in long-term relationships, is not just about initial excitement or romantic feelings; it’s also about choosing to show care, respect, kindness, and support for your partner, even when the initial feelings may fade or become less intense. In this sense, love is an ongoing choice to prioritize your partner’s well-being, communicate effectively, work through challenges, and keep the relationship strong, even during difficult times.
For more information on Dr. Nicole Andreoli,
visit drnicoleandreoli.com