The MINDIE Method

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual psychotherapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett Psychotherapy practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com 

Dear Mindie,

I am at a loss! I’ve been divorced for almost a year and my ex-wife is turning my kids against me. She’s very manipulative and my kids say she speaks negatively about me on a regular basis. I try not to let it bother me as I have addressed this with her, and she denies it and keeps doing it. However, it’s now causing a rift between me and my two teenage daughters who believe her fictitious stories and are now both angry with me and are stonewalling me completely. I have shared custody with my ex, but my girls are now refusing to go with me during my parenting time. It’s all very disheartening. What should I do? I want a relationship with my girls but will not succumb to the demands and manipulation of their mother. The situation is affecting my mental health as it’s all very upsetting. Please help!

Sincerely
Sad Dad

Dear Sad Dad ,

This ordeal is very difficult! Divorces can bring out the worst in people and it’s especially tragic that your daughters seem to now be caught in the middle of the crossfire. Regarding your relationship with your girls, the best advice I can offer is to do your best to maintain a connection with them. If they are stonewalling you, I wouldn’t advise you to reach out to them daily as I believe that they will be perceived as a reward for their poor behavior, but weekly or bi-weekly outreach will show them that you’re still there for them. If you are still receiving radio silence after this repeated outreach, I would then communicate that you love them, and you will always be there for them, but that they are making it clear they want space, so you are going to respect that. They need to feel some sort of sting to regroup and provide you with the love and respect you deserve.

The situation with your ex is a little more complicated. Since you are no longer married, it seems likely that she will continue to disregard your wishes to not involve your children in your disagreements.

It’s very likely that she sees the situation from an entirely different perspective. I would recommend you seek counseling with her so that the two of you can attempt to align your coparenting tactics. If that is not feasible or yields unsuccessful, then I would do your best to protect your boundaries with your ex and protect your peace.

I also believe that as your daughters become adults, they will see the full picture and likely redirect their negative emotions toward you. That will not buy you back any lost time with them, but it does present a glimmer of hope that you will have a newfound adult relationship with your daughters later.

Remember, time heals all wounds, so do your best to stay strong, lean on the support you do have and provide yourself with daily affirmations that you are a good person and father. Seeking personal counseling from a mental health professional is also a great idea, especially if the couple’s counseling falls flat.

Remember, time heals all wounds, so do your best to stay strong, lean on the support you do have and provide yourself with daily affirmations that you are a good person and father. Seeking personal counseling from a mental health professional is also a great idea, especially if the couple’s counseling falls flat.

Love,
Mindie xo