The MINDIE Method

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual psychotherapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett Psychotherapy practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com 

Dear Mindie, 

I need some guidance. My friend only reaches out when she needs something; a favor, advice, or support and it’s starting to feel one-sided. I really care about her and value our friendship, but I also feel drained and frustrated.

I want to be there for her, but I don’t want to feel used or resentful. I’ve tried hinting or gently saying no, but I worry that setting boundaries might hurt our relationship or push her away. How can I take care of my own needs without risking the friendship? I just want a balance where both of us feel supported and respected.

Sincerely,
Feeling Drained

Dear Feeling Drained,
Friendships, just like relationships have ebbs and flows and sometimes one of the pair is pulling more weight than the other. It’s not always an even scale. That said, it sounds like the pattern you’re now in with your friend has been going on for quite some time, thus, creating some anxiety and anger for you about the dynamics. My first piece of advice would be to have an honest conversation with your friend. In doing so, I would focus more on your feelings and the sense of hurt you have, as well as what you feel you are missing in the friendship.

Explaining what you need rather than pointing a finger at your friend and highlighting what she may be doing “wrong” in the equation will safeguard you from confrontation. The dialogue may still create conflict but that is normal and healthy in any relationship. Focusing on how to repair your bond rather than the conflict itself will likely bring you closer to your friend. And if she values your friendship and cares as deeply for you as you seem to care for her, she will listen and be concerned and know you are speaking to her from a place of love, rather than resentment.  

My next suggestion, should your friend not be receptive to your openness, would be too deeply reflect on where the friendship is today.

Most people cling onto friendships longer than their actual shelf life due to the time we’ve invested in them and because of the history they hold for us. 

But like anything in life, friendships change. Your friend may have had circumstances in her own life alter, changing her in some shape or form, causing your friendship has pivoted a bit. That is also normal. People do change, needs change and life circumstances are always in transition. Rather than getting angry about this try and look at it from a place of understanding and acceptance, then revisit the effort you are personally putting into your friendship and revise it so that it’s more aligned with what you’re receiving.

For instance, if you’re only getting 30% from your friend, do not give her 90%. It doesn’t have to be an even playing field but meeting her where she is regarding your time and effort will leave you feeling less resentful and have more self-respect. In time, this ratio may increase (or decrease) based on your needs or hers so just take things per season with your friend and others in your life. Adult friendships are tricky but they’re important and impactful for our mental health, self-esteem and confidence and physical well-being.

Wishing you lots of love and friendship!

Mindi