The MINDIE Method

Mindie is available for in-person and virtual psychotherapy sessions via her Executive Health by Mindie Barnett Psychotherapy practice. Her expertise is in interpersonal relationships, overcoming depression, coping with anxiety and avoiding and overcoming burnout among many other wellness areas. Life coaching and career coaching are also areas she excels in. For more information or to schedule a session
visit mbexecutivehealth.com 

Dear Mindie,
I am feeling frustrated that my girlfriend’s adult son will not move out of our house. I have tried to talk with her and him calmly, with a more direct approach and even have given both the silent treatment in protest but nothing seems to work. He loafs around the house all day, eats all the food we pay for and makes absolutely no attempts to try and find a job. It makes me so angry and what’s worse, my girlfriend seems fine with it. This is not a phase. The situation has gone on for at least two years. He has very few friends and never goes out either! Will I ever have the empty nester life I’ve been dreaming of? I don’t know what to do. She won’t even talk about this with me anymore. Any advice you can give, would be great.
 
Thank you ,
Mitch

Dear Mitch,
What you’ve described seems like a very difficult dynamic! I can empathize that having an adult child living with you who seems to not be motivated to better his situation and embrace autonomy is most frustrating. This is especially true if you have been raised to stand on your own two feet, which I would assume you have. I think you have two separate issues going on here, however. 

First, the gridlock you seem to be in with your girlfriend: the two of you do need to talk about your differences and if she is unwilling to do so with you at home, I would recommend the two of you see a couple’s counselor. There are likely underlying issues regarding why you are eager to.

Embrace being an empty nester while she feels the need to still provide a home and necessities for her son, even as an adult. I also believe the exercise will serve you well with future conflicts as communication is key in keeping relationships intact and it’s important that you both have the skillset to communicate effectively and gently. 

Secondly, and perhaps the most important issue to address is why her son is lacking motivation and seems disinterested to socialize with friends. That is most concerning to me. It’s hard to know as I do not have a great deal of details about his behavior as well as his mental health history, but I would presume he is depressed, possibly severely.

That issue really needs to be evaluated by a professional and addressed as soon as possible. If he is suffering from depression, he will need help from a mental health professional and possibly also medication so that he doesn’t fall further into depression. If he’s not suffering from depression, the mental health expert will be able to uncover the root of his issue about getting a job and his desire to remain in the care of his mother and you, and hopefully, through psychotherapy, work to heal any issues which are in need of repair. Either way, this direction seems necessary.

I wish you the best of luck and would also suggest you allow time for both scenarios to play out as it seems both situations will be more of a marathon than a race.

Love and Light,

XO Mindi